Journeys: 4 Days, 12 Hours left.

The countdown continues until I ride out of Cow Palace in Daly City, CA.

Let it be a reminder that before taking on this feat, the last time I rode a bicycle was a Huffy in grade school (except for that week in P-Town with friends, where it was my only mode of transportation).

Therefore, nerves.  Excitement.  Anxiety.  Apprehension.   They're all still present.  If not, more now.  It's hard to begin this ride with an empty mind.  I feel somewhat over-prepared in packing but largely under-prepared in training.

As I review the route a little more closely in the days leading up, it's hard to comprehend the elevation I'll experience, the sights and landscapes I'll see, and the sense of community I'll feel once this journey begins.  Since this is a ride and not a race, I've been told my many (experienced riders and such) to have fun and not think of the 545 miles as an obstacle and just take it day to day.

So much about this ride has been about journeys for me.   Not only is this journey an internal and personal one, it's also a journey that has me diving into a very different reality than the one I know from my everyday life.  I can honestly admit that I am proud of myself for taking on such a difficult challenge.  Accomplishing it remains to be seen.  :)   I don't know anyone from Chicago doing this ride.  I have no doubts I'll meet people along the route with Chicago roots.  This made training lonely and hard over the past several months.  Others I do know and that have done this ride label it as a "life-changer."  While HIV and AIDS remains a label for this fundraising cause and effort, I have a feeling this may change for me during my journey.  I have a feeling I will come out of this ride a different person.

With that, I welcome the waves of emotions and feelings that are to come.  This journey will give me time to reflect, grow, and change.

I'm making this journey from SF to LA and hope I can demonstrate to myself that I can commit and work successfully toward my goal.  Along the path, I hope to meet, bond with, and experience incredible individuals (riders, local CA townspeople, roadies) whose personal struggles and resolve to this cause can help create that change and growth.  While long lines for coffee, food, and bathrooms are normal, uncomfortable weather and sleeping conditions are inevitable, I am looking forward to the humanity, the kindness, the generosity, and the openness this ride will bring out in everyone participating - just as much as I've experienced with all of you throughout these past few months.  We're all in this together.   Throughout this ride, I carry with me that the power of acceptance, comprehension and solidarity is within people - however expressed.

That's hope, folks.


Shoutouts

Courtney & Ryan Muldoon:  Your message, along with your donation, moved me greatly.  I think of you guys often, as well, and I appreciate your positive thoughts throughout this ride.  Thank you so much for donating!  I appreciate it greatly!  xo

Jason Cardenas:  my old friend!  I miss you!  Your donation and support means the world to me!  Let's set a time this summer to hang.  I would love to see you!

Esi Impraim:  LA will not be the same without you!  Ugh.  So sorry I haven't seen you these past few months.  This training, school and work have taken up a great deal.  Once this ride is over, it's you and me this summer!  Promise?  (I'm off most of the month of July....so let's plan something)

Tessa Murphy Burke:  It's been 20 years??  Thank you so much for opening up your heart and wallet to donate.  How kind and generous!!  You (and your family) have been an inspiration to me over the past several years.  I hope you know that.  The world is certainly round, my friend.  xo.

Tria Tedford: or should I call you Tria Aimes, now?  I can't believe you donated what you did...you just got married for crying out loud!!  Either way, I'm so so grateful for your donation, our time together a few weeks ago, and for our friendship.  Who knew that our crazy Jewish friend would be responsible for such a fun and everlasting friendship??  Miss you.

Eric Finnegan:  Dude!!!  Thank you for your EXTREMELY generous donation!  I don't see enough of you...and usually when I do, it's in the most random of places.  Let's try and schedule a Sunday Funday sometime soon.  And thank you, again, for your support!  I'm grateful for it - and our friendship!

Paul Mullen:  Dr. Paul!  How very thoughtful of you to donate and support!!!  I can't say I'm surprised.  It's been a while, too.  This must change.  Much appreciated!  :)


LA.  Friends & family at the Finish Line.  Here I come.

Happiness and Long Overdue "Shout-Outs"

“Happiness [is] only real when shared” 

– John Krakauer (Into the Wild)

A friend, whom I met in Alaska during the summer of 2003, gave me this book to read right before he left our summer experience to head back to the “lower 48.”  It’s a quote that has always stuck with me since reading it many years ago. 

Looking back, I realize there were many unhappy years … which left me throwing myself into work/my career, moving from coast to coast, and avoiding the reality of how to be emotionally healthy in living with this disease.  I lived in silence to many people, including myself, for much too long and to the point where I may have caused some irreparable emotional damage.  This unhappiness prohibited me to be open and share anything with anyone.  Unhappy with myself, the situation I placed myself in, but mostly unhappy about how living with HIV had killed the emotion and intimacy that I longed for with someone pre-HIV status.  That unhappiness seeped into my relationships with friends, families and those I dated and potential intimate relationships. 

Tyler Helms once wrote in an Op-Ed piece about his own journey with this disease that HIV is a truth not everyone will understand, but one that we can possibly all relate to, if we try - if we are open to the moment and encourage the tolerance for ourselves and others to be as well.  We all deserve the tolerance of our own truths; in those moments you find the freedom to feel.  That freedom to feel, whether you are negative, positive, gay, straight, alone, or married — that freedom of feeling makes us human.  That truth no doubt will set you free.  I can look back and think how I misused time and opportunities due to feeling certain ways.  I can only take those experiences as something learned and move forward. 

With that, what that has done for me is helped create new rules and standards for myself … for my friendships & relationships … for my quality of life.  Those who choose to move forward with me, I hope you continue to do so.  Those who have not, the invitation stands … but please note that respect runs both ways. 

# # #

I have some LONG overdue shout-outs and thank you’s to donors and supporters from the past six weeks!  Thanks to EVERYONE who donated, I’m up to $6,726 in fundraising efforts!!!!!!!!!  (I still cannot believe it)

It’s been a while since my last “thank you” post.  Where I lack in time, I make up with heart.  I do love writing these; not only do I try to make them personal, it’s like a walk down memory lane!  

There’s quite a few….so please bear with me:

Jill McArdle:  My old friend.  You’ve always been an inspiration to me.  I’d say come ride with me because we all know you can run a marathon without much training. J  Thank you for your very thoughtful and generous donation!  Love you.

Heather Hughes:  I can think of a reason why I love you for each dollar you donated.  Our friendship has reconnected in so many ways throughout the years since we were in grade school.  I’m grateful for that.  Thank you, my friend.

Joell Zahr:  You’ve been so kind and generous, not only with this donation, but throughout our friendship through the years.  Some of my favorite life memories involve you: You’ve been there for me in times of need (NYC, 2008, two huge jugs of white wine), You taught me how to breathe with “no air”… but know you can always stand under my “umbrella” –ella ella ella…Love you to the moon and back!  Thank you!

Megan Sheahan:  My sister-in-law!  The God-mother to my God-daughter!  My friend!  Thank you for your thoughtful donation and support, particularly over the years.  It does not go unnoticed!  Love ya!

Katie Condran:  While we always seem to go years without seeing each other, I love that we can still laugh as much as we always have been able to!  Thank you for digging deep in your pocket to show support!  I greatly appreciate it!  Xo

Allison Kennedy:  I miss our train rides.  And I miss you.  Thank you for the love and support, not only recently, but throughout the years.  Your donation means a great deal!  Xo

Scott & Katie Burns:  So happy we’ve remained friends throughout the years.   Your generosity means a great deal for me with both this cause and this ride.  I hope to make it out to CO soon!  Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart!

Megan (Finn) Radon:  Cousin!  It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.  (This must change).  Thank you for your overall support!  Much love to you, my friend!

Qadree Holmes:  Dude – thank you!  Who would’ve thought that working on a film together years ago that you’d be supporting me in this journey!  I’m very thankful for this and our friendship!  You rock!  P.S.  your kid is adorable!

Mary (Murphy) Tenbrik:  I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your sweet and sincere message on Facebook….but here I am now, telling you that (yes, I remember KNUHC) and thank you for sharing your touching story with me!  I have no doubt it was a coincidence, either.   I have no doubt about the purpose I hope to bring to others with sharing my story.  I so appreciate your words, thoughts and generous donation!  Much love to you, my friend!

Mary Ellen & Edward Connolly:  You are friends of my Dad and Mom!  My mother (and Father) have spoken fondly of your friendship throughout our lives.  How incredibly kind & generous of you to support me on this ride?  I cannot say thank you enough! 

Kimberly Brown:  Dear friend, spanning all the way to my college years as an intern with the City of Chicago Law Division.  You. ARE. Awesome!  I miss our wine-night hangouts!  Long overdue, BTW.  Thank you for the laughter over the years, your support, for our friendship, and your generous generous donation!   Xo

Patti Arvesen:  Thank you for your donation.  I’ve said before how it amazes me to see how old friendships never really go away.  Much appreciated, indeed!  Xo

Drew DeFalle:  My time in LA was much better with you there, old friend!  I’m so happy our friendship has remained constant throughout the years.  I owe Ash a bit of thanks for introducing us!  I look forward to meeting up with you on Day 7 and riding with you into LA, if you’re still up for it.  Thank you for your support, friend!

Steph (Reynolds) & Tyler Qualio:  Thank you for your donation!  We may not see each other much these days, but knowing old friends like you support me says a great deal!  You guys rock…and your kids are adorable!  J  xo

Heather Rafferty:  A friendship since 2000 at Steppenwolf!  We’ve gone our own ways, but I’m so grateful of our friendship, your support, and donation – and for sharing my story on social media!  That meant a great deal!  Until our paths cross again….much much love, dear friend!

Tom & Monica Karnes:  Your unwavering support for, not only me with this ride, but my sister and her family is nothing short of gracious and amazing!  Thank you for all you do.  Most of all, thank you for your support and generosity! 

Damon & Elizabeth Wos:  Your donation is much appreciated!  Thank you for reading my story and supporting my efforts!  Liz – it’s been a while.  Hope our paths cross soon!  Damon – maybe I’ll see you at a random gas station in WI again soon. J

Xo

Megan King:  My sister from another mother!  We’ve been through a great deal throughout college and beyond.  Thank you for always having my back, your constant support, and love.   I know you’ll be cheering me on throughout my ride…and throughout the rest of my life!

Mike Sheahan:  Dude!  Thank you for your generous donation!  I’m so thankful for it.  Until our next family party…or dinner at NoNo’s.  xo!

Ludwig Dufrenne:   Who says generosity and support comes from the oldest friendships?  Thank you, kindly, for your extremely generous donation!  I’m so happy Anthony introduced me to you and Kevin.  Once this ride is over, we must celebrate and grab drinks!  Xo

Katie (Blum) Wood:  We’ve come a long way from our poor LA days - pushing our beds together and living in a 1-bedroom LA apartment with Lucy Riles and a St. Bernard.  I will always remember our roommate days with smiles and laughter!  Thank you for your donation and support!  I’m grateful for it!  Say hello to Eric for me!

Nora & Bridget Sheahan:  I love how both of you (separately) wrote “You rock” in your personal donation messages!  It must be a twin thing.   Either way, YOU BOTH ROCK for your donations…and for our constant and everlasting twin friendship over the years!  Love you both! 

Tony Barranda:  Tony Taco!  Can we just go back to 2004 White Party in Palm Springs with all of our friends, when times were carefree and fun?  Thank you for your support!  I’m so happy to still call you my friend.  I hope to see you in LA! 

Josh Deering:  You’ve always been such a kind and generous person!  It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but I’m forever grateful for your EXTREMELY generous support with this cause and my ride!  Rock on, man!  And thank you!

Erin Griffin:  I can say thank you 1000x for your support throughout the years…I may have if you add them all up!  Our paths crossed in the most unlikely of places, but I am truly lucky to still have you in my life!  Thank you for your generous donation!  Xo

Brian Sheehan:  Thanks for your very substantial donation and support.  Extremely thoughtful!   I will certainly practice standing on my seat so I can spread my arms out like I’m flying while on the ride – and have someone take a photo of me, as well!  Again – thank you!

Richie Diver:  I’m incredibly thankful for your donation and support…as well as our friendship throughout the years.  I don’t have many opportunities to express that to you.  So, thank you.  My best to you, Shelia and the baby!  I know I’ll see you guys soon – and I’m looking forward to it!

Meghan Rivard:  I’m extremely thankful our paths have crossed in most recent years.   We’ve certainly embarked on our own journeys, haven’t we!  Thank you for your words of wisdom and guidance.  I’m thankful for them… and your donation!  My best for you on your new beginning!  Xo

Julie Marchione:  As I’ve said before, there are those friendships where we don’t often get to experience as time goes on.  Thank you for your donation and support!  It’s greatly valued! 

My last thank you goes out to several members of my family:

·      My mother (Karen Meehan) and twin brother (Terrence Meehan) for kindly donating three nights of hotel stays throughout the ride, particularly on days where I’ll be riding the longest/hardest.   I cannot tell you enough how much the hot shower and comfortable bed will mean to me!  So thoughtful of you … and generous, considering you’re both flying out to LA to watch me cross the finish line, as well. 

·      My sister (Molly Meehan-Scuglik) and brother-in-law (Rob Scuglik) for gifting me my sleeping bag.  I know I’ll be saying 1000 thank yous for this when camping out on the days I won’t have the warm hotel room bed. 

·      My brother (Marty Meehan) and sister-in-law (Joanne Sheahan Meehan) for generously donating my round-trip bike shipment.  An extremely generous contribution…which I am very grateful for!  

2 weeks, 2 days, 9 hours – until I begin this journey.

Thank you to EVERYONE for staying with me during all of this!  Hopeful for more to come!

Until then, I’m riding on.

Des Plaines River Trail: 2. Tim: 0

After watching my beautiful God-daughter (Mollie-Pop) dance down the aisle at her May Crowning Ceremony this morning, I was excited to hit up a new bike path:  the Des Plaines River Trail - a 56 mile bike trail in the western suburbs.

Alas, a few miles in and 2 falls into a flooded and muddy trail (including that beauty on my thigh), I turned around, mounted the bike on the car, and headed back to Lakeview.

Another 30 miles along LSD in the books.  The lake breeze (particularly while heading north) and fog still lingering amongst the blue skies was pretty awesome. 

Bike ships out to SF in 2 weeks.   Classes start this week.   The training window is rapidly closing.  There's still much to do...and get...and even more miles to train and ride.  Here's where the anxiety sets in.  

Shout out to my former NY roommate, Bruston, for talking me off the proverbial ledge this week.

This may come off wrong, but - like graduate school - I'm looking forward to this ride being over.  It's not to diminish the generous donations and overwhelming support I've received.  Words cannot express my gratitude with all of that.  While it's been a great deal of work (and costly, I might add), I'm anxious to see how I get handle everything and get through it all - mostly to decide if this is something I would do again.  Many people I know that have done this particular ride are return riders.  While I have no doubts this ride will be fulfilling - I lived in CA for 7 years...I'll never see my former home from a better perspective -- I do have much to look forward to after this ride, especially entering this new life chapter.  

Thank G*d I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.  Maybe he has some recommendations for some new anti-anxiety meds.  :-)  It's been a while since those were needed...

Thanks again for taking this journey with me.  I spoke with an old friend today via phone who said something very poignant:  just remember everyone (donors and supporters, alike) to get you thru the tough times during the ride.   (Thanks Jodi!)

Cycling onward. 

Thoughts about Advocacy...on a Monday morning....

Monday Morning.  3:30am.   I wake.  Wide awake.  Unsure why.  TV is turned off.  I’m just…awake.  Lately, I’ve been stressing about this upcoming bike ride (which is in 3 weeks, 5 days and 12 hours)….when do I drop off my bike to be shipped to SF?  Have I trained enough?  Am I training enough?  Do I have everything in order?   I need to write “thank yous” to my donors….

…oh yeah…Summer classes start THIS week.   Shit!

What the hell – I’ll turn on the TV and see what’s on and maybe something will bore me until I fall back asleep.

Nope.  HBO is on and the documentary “The Battle of amfAR” is playing.   Instantly hooked.  I’ve watched this documentary before.  There isn’t a documentary on this subject I haven’t watched.

Watching documentaries like this stirs up many emotions within me, particularly when looking back at the history of the HIV/AIDS epidemic from the early 80s….Ryan White…how the “Great Communicator” Ronald Reagan couldn’t even say the word “AIDS” during several years of his presidency, which was coincidentally during the plight of the AIDS epidemic.  It stirs up the social change activist in me.  I think it’s fair to say this would stir up similar emotions in most rational and genuine individuals.  Understanding how we got to where we are today is an important social responsibility – FOR EVERYONE.  It also helps me understand what has been done over the years, who the major game players are and have been in creating dynamic social change, and what still needs to be done in a complacent world.

This past December, I helped organize an event at my school for World AIDS Day (December 1).  To preface this story, my school’s mission pertains to creating social change (through psychology and counseling) and be aware of our own social responsibility, as clinicians.  My co-worker and I came up with a great idea to cut out these paper red ribbons for students, faculty and staff to 1.) write a personal message on a ribbon of hope, understanding, sympathy, memoralize those we know..etc. … and 2.) hang them in the school’s café window for everyone to see.   In the weeks leading up, we marketed the event around school to get the word out.  Throughout the week of December 1, we noticed there were maybe a dozen or so ribbons hung up and that the response was…minimal and we wondered why.  It came to me one night.  I was in an evening class and we were on a break in the school’s café.  I promoted the idea to my fellow classmates and other students in the café to partake in writing a message on a ribbon and hanging it up on the window.  One (younger) student said to me:  “what is this for?  What do I even write?  I don’t even know what this is…”  

I didn’t know how to respond.  I didn’t want to judge.  I felt myself going there (which is unfair).  But it occurred to me that it was not this student’s fault for not knowing or understanding what HIV/AIDS is.  There is a systemic social issue of complacency with HIV today.  As a society, we’ve accepted that the illness is chronic and can be maintained through a daily pill – that education about the impact this disease had (still has) on people has halted and is not being addressed in today’s world.   These drugs do come with side effects.  They are – by no means – a solution to an issue where 1 million people in the US are still living with HIV today – and, of those, 1 in 6 people, are unaware they even have the disease because they are too afraid to get tested.

Today, many HIV organizations do not have those living with the disease sitting on the boards and staff.  If they do, the stigma that still exists creates fear of many people to talk about their own stories in order to create change.  The emotional shift, from the 1980s and 90s, has most definitely changed because of this.

That’s a problem.  This disease belongs to EVERYONE…not just me.

“HIV/AIDS is more than statistics.   HIV/AIDS is a prolonged physical and mental torment for many thousands of human beings.   It’s heart rendering confusion and despair.  It’s a confrontation of one’s mortality in their prime of life.” 

            - Elizabeth Taylor

“In a society that proclaims to value human life above all else, the deliberate withholding of the means of self-protection is more than passive neglect.  It is an act of pre-meditated murder.” 

            - Elizabeth Taylor

One thing that’s constant with the progress of HIV/AIDS – from the 80s to today – is fear and trepidation.  The urgency has abated.   It’s easy for me to sit here, on my Mac computer, in my own apartment, training for a ride to raise money for HIV/AIDS services … I recognize the privileges I have.  I can use those privileges to write this blog with confidence, a little more self-respect, and a great deal of passion & emotion (that people can't and won't understand) to speak up and keep the awareness going.

Every 10 min a person is infected with HIV.

30 million people have died from this disease.

34 million today, worldwide, live with the virus.

One documentary that is a must see is HOW TO SURVIVE A PLAGUE ... (see trailer below)

It's the story of Larry Kramer and Peter Staley - the founders of ACT UP and TAG - and how they became the leaders in advocacy and drug research for HIV medications today.  Without this piece of history, I believe we wouldn't be where we are today.   (YOU CAN WATCH THIS DOCUMENTARY IN IT'S ENTIRETY ON NETFLIX).  I implore you to watch it. 

Sidenote:  I saw THE NORMAL HEART on Broadway in 2011.  I'll never forget it.  Ever.  Joe Mantello as Ned...Ellen Barkin as Dr. Brookner...The acting was visceral.  

Post curtain call, as the lights came up, EVERYONE in the theatre couldn't move or leave.  It was 90-120 seconds of pure processing of what we all just saw.  As I left, Larry Kramer (the playwright and supposed protagonist - Ned Weeks) was standing outside - below the marquee - handing out fliers with some sort of information, most likely about HIV/AIDS.  It was like an extension of the play and, apparently, he did this after every show.   To understand this, you should watch the documentary above.  He is a pioneer. 

With that, I’m going for a long bike ride.