“Taking the long way” and “taking risks” have
been two constant themes for most of my adult life. Well, perhaps my whole life, but that’s a
whole other therapy session.
I remember
setting a goal in undergrad: Live on the
West Coast for a year; Live on the East Coast for a year; and live overseas for
a year. The outcome, I thought, would
help me decide where I would want to plant my roots. Well….I completed two-thirds of this
goal. I lived in LA for almost 7 years
and New York for 4 years. I’ve (yet) to
live overseas. And many years after
setting this goal, I certainly say I took the long way to accomplish this
particular goal….
At 33, I took
a big risk to go back to graduate school, while working full-time, and do a
complete career change. I enrolled in
the 3-year part-time grad school track and continued working full-time. One can say this is a combination of both
“taking the long way” and “taking risk.”
Now take the
period of nine years.
Nine years
can mean a lot to different people. A
proverbial “long way” in many ways….
108 months;
469 weeks; 3,288 days; 78,912 hours; 4,734,720 minutes; 284,083,200
seconds…..201….202
April 15th
of this year was nine years that I found out I was HIV positive. I came out publicly two years ago in a blog
post while chronicling my journey with AIDS Lifecycle in 2015 .... see this blog post at April 15 - Death & Taxes
While this
news was like a cannonball blow to the chest that, each year, never really
diminishes, what I have learned over the past two years is the privilege I have
gained both from “taking the long way” to speak up and “taking (a big) risk” to
speak up and openly about my diagnosis.
Over those
nine years, I have lived with a myriad of fears and anxieties that have flooded
my headspace. Depression, fears and
anxieties that nobody could ever understand because they were mine. Fears and anxieties that I faced. Alone. Fears and anxieties that held me back … from
living my life … from love and commitment … from setting more goals for myself
… from taking risks and more long ways.
It took me nine years to really try and re-start my life as a person
living with HIV after many years of trying to convince myself I was just like
everyone else around me.
And that
‘alone’ part I mentioned means a lot here.
I always ‘took the long way’ and many of my ‘risks’ alone. Hell, I still like going to the movies
alone….because I’m used to it. I’m used
to being alone. Let that sit with you
for a minute. I know many mothers out
there are reading this, probably thinking “I would LOVE to be alone.” I challenge you to being alone for nine
years. In fact, I dare you. J I never had someone to come home to and help
face these challenges with me throughout the years – mostly because I felt I
didn’t either want to drag someone through my mud or felt like I deserved it.
(Spoiler alert: Those negative thoughts
were WRONG….I just didn't know it because I was so clouded in shame and guilt) I’ve done it all by myself. I don’t say this for a reaction….I say this
because it has made me much stronger as an individual. Much more independent…but still wanting
someone I can “depend” on. Whenever I’ve
fallen, it has been me that has picked myself up and learned from my mistakes
that I made. I say this because many/most of my friends & family have
partners in their lives to come home to for support and help. And that is fantastic. In fact, I’ve probably celebrated you and
your partnership at one point or another…. perhaps at your wedding.
Through those trials and tribulations, I’ve also learned how to be
confident. Tyler Curry recently wrote “You know what confidence
is? It’s knowing that the goods you’re selling are worth their sticker price,
and you don’t need to discount them for anyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re
positive, negative, too short, too tall, balding or bushy browed, you should be
worried about who is right for you and forget about trying to be the right
person for anyone else.”
Going back
to that “privilege ” trait I spoke about earlier….I am fortunate to have the
privilege of health insurance, to have access to a doctor and a therapist,
life-saving medications….a privilege many people with this disease do not have.
While these are vital and necessary for
individuals, my platform is stigma surrounding this disease. Stigma is learned and often unnoticed by
people who perpetuate it. This is my
opportunity to write and raise awareness of the stigma that HIV can play on
someone who lives with this disease.
While each person deals with their diagnosis in different ways, my hope
is to help you understand how this stigma can hold one back from being
human….and feeling deserved of every right you have the luxury of having
without this disease.
You see, being
HIV positive isn’t the same as having a beast of a mother-in-law or being a
(Log Cabin) Republican. Those dirty
details are the layers of who you are as a person, and they’re revealed as a
relationship (any relationship) develops. I’ve learned that your status isn’t a
part of your character; it’s a matter of logistics. To put this in my perspective, either your
Friday night date is someone who understands the logistics of dating someone
positive, or he doesn’t. And if he
doesn't, then I can “confidently” walk away knowing that he may have not “taken
the long way” or as many “risks” as I have.
And that’s too bad for him.
This July 8-9,
I am participating in the 2017 Ride For AIDS Chicago, a 200-mile ride on to
raise awareness an the stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS. Stigma that is clouded by a past where
HIV/AIDS resulted in death for many….but, thankfully, doesn't mean that
today.
My sister (Molly Meehan-Scuglik) will be riding with me. My mother (Karen Meehan) is volunteering in
the Medical Tent as crew. My friend
(John Wright) is graciously riding with me, as well. We are Team Cycle-ogists. We are all "taking the long way" to raise awareness and knowledge about HIV/AIDS among
participants, their donors, and the general public.
